here we go again

2007-02-20T00:51:00.000-08:00

I haven't smiled since our goodbye
I'm scare to see if you're still there
When I close my eyes

And on the walls
The hands of time move twice as slow
As if they know
things aren't fine

I wait until
it goes away
those butterflies
and bluer skies
have seen their days
I will let go
as soon as my heart can't deny you're not staying

Still I'm just a fool for you I say
I chose to be a choice that's yours to make

-Laurell Hubrick

How beautifully written.

There's no more Camille to go around

2007-02-07T03:24:00.000-08:00

I planned to chillax tonight... even set aside time in my scheduler to just have dinner, shower, and kick back with my business strategy case on Dell.

I still ended up working until 3.45 am.

WTH is wrong with this picture?

Been so crazee busy latey.... I think i've slept a total of 12 hrs in the last 3 nights combined.

Oh man... need beauty sleep.... need to be beautiful next week.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Near future in a glance:
Friday - taking on another student, prepare stuff for Secret Crush, apply for jobs, bday dinner
Saturday - gym, Secret Crush stuff, run a bunch of errands, fellowship
Sunday - Church, 416/RIM meeting, music practice, start psyc review paper
Monday - Work 2 jobs
Tuesday - Long day of class, Secret Crush Stuff
Wednesday - Secret Crush stuff all dayl plus one class
Thursday - Class, psyc review paper
Friday - tutor, review paper
Saturday - meetings, errands, music practice
Sunday - Church, 416/RIM meeting, music practice, psyc review paper, early CNY dinner
Monday - work, review paper due
Tuesday - stats midterm, classes
Wednesday - study business strat; gym
Thursday - 478 case exam
a;ljsdlkjf;lkjaslkjf;lk;jasdl;jk wpoiuvno;okjsaljdf;lkjeoiu;ljdl;kjwoiuel;kjdv

=*(

.....yeah.....

just a bit overwhelmed

Fiel Por Siempre

2007-01-28T23:23:00.000-08:00

It was 4pm on a hot summer day in San Francisco. As if on cue, computers shut down and file cabinets locked up all over the city. Corporate cogs filed out of the business district and cars moved like slugs on the winding hills and streets. Sean, a former US marine, got in his black convertible and turned the top down. He let the head rest catch his tired head and let out a long sigh of exhaustion. His eyes opened slowly as he caught his reflection in the rearview mirror. Squinting slightly, he ruffled his jet, black hair and loosened his tie. The copper, afternoon sun was soft on his complexion and defined his masculine jawline. As his hand searched around blindly, it occurred to him that he had left his shades in his office. “Damn it,” he thought to himself, “it’s gonna be a long commute home.”

45 minutes and 2 cigarettes later, he had finally arrived at the 12th floor of the Buchanan. “Home at last,” he exhaled as he dropped his bag and made a b-line for the fridge, simultaneously unbuttoning his pale green dress shirt. As he stood at the kitchen counter drinking his Coke, he took off his frameless glasses and pinched the small space between his eyes. “Was this the life I was looking for when I left Phoenix?”, he thought to himself.

Feeling strangely empty, he took off his shirt and collapsed on his bed. He was left with nothing but the sound of distant traffic and his own breathing. As his mind wandered, he was set adrift on memory’s bliss. “I wonder what she’s doing right now,” he thought.

He touched his right forearm with his left hand, scrolling his thumb along the scars from the elbow to his wrist.

“1... 2... 3... 4… 5... 6… 7, ……….30,” she whispered as she ran her small index finger along each disjointed scar. Her forehead krinkled as she examined his body. Turning her face toward him again, he noticed a glaze in her eyes.

“He cut you 30 times,” she said softly as if to wish that it weren’t true.

“Yes..... he did,” he replied quietly.

She stared at him for a while, and then as she closed her eyes, a tear rolled down her cheek.

Once again, she touched his arm and counted slowly “1…2…3…4…5……….30.” She seemed to believe that if she did it enough times, the scar would eventually wipe away.

Sean closed his eyes.

Though the wounds had long since closed up, he was still bleeding. But he surrendered to love because he could not live with fear and regret. With every stroke, he opened his heart to her more and more, and she healed his pain. The brokenness of his past was what drove him to become a marine in the first place. …Hoping that it could make him strong, give him strength to forgive the cowardness of his father, to forgive the sudden abandonment of his mother and sisters, to take that scared boy inside of him and turn him into a man. But instead, his years in the marines hardened his heart and tightened his lips. He became a fighter and had the battle wounds to show for it. 28 years of age, Sean was a man of few words.

Already knowing the answer, she asked him if it hurt. Her expression begging him to lie to her. Smiling gently, he replied, “..I’m ok now,” one hand brushing her hair
behind her ear. His thumb caressed her face and with a renewed sense of peace, he was once again overwhelmed by her beauty.

“What’s this?” she asked, pressing on his other forearm, “what does it say?”.
Looking down at the navy blue cursive tattoo, he answered, “it says ‘fiel por siempre’….do you know what that means?” She shook her head.

“It means ‘forever faithful’...”

“To who?”

“…the marines”.

She smiled and kissed him once on the forehead.

That night, the two dreamt together, hoping the morning would never come. But inevitably, the day broke. She boarded a plane, and flew far, far away, leaving him like a ghost ship at sea.

...On the other side of the world, she stood at the ocean’s shore watching the horizon. There, she waited faithfully for a ghost ship to find his way.

The Heart Can be Moved When You Least Expect It

2007-01-10T22:50:00.000-08:00

Have you guys fallen off the face off the earth? Haven't seen or spoke to some of you since Christmas or earlier!

Anyway, here's a story written by yours truly, based on yours truly - enjoy =)

___________________________________

It's 2pm and the guys and I are excited to grab some dumps, as Dave likes to call them, at the popular 'jiao zi' joint across from school. As we leave campus, we're relieved to escape the damp heat so typical of Taipei summers. On a day like today, it's dark and grey, but I am happy to be studying abroad nonetheless. As the thought sat comfortably and cozy in my mind, it was like the skies opened up and there came a downpour of rain, sending me and the guys laughing and screaming across Hoping road, dodging angry scooters on the way. Unsuspecting pedestrians disperse like termites in the light, looking for refuge from nearby merchants.

The squishy sound of our wet foot steps are in sync with the Taiwanese pop rhythms that air from random places in the busy city. Three brit boys, two ABC boys, and me. Once strangers, our paths crossed in Taipei when we ended up in Mr. Lin's Chinese class at NTNU. That first day, little did we know that what lay ahead of us were scooter races, sleeper trains, blackmail worthy photographs, countless "Would you rather..." games, and copious amounts of authentic bubble tea.... and who could forget? Dumps at 5NT a pop.

We sit down at our usual table and order the usual 10 of everything. Between our sips of random Chinese iced teas, we exchange Mr. Lin antics, and joke about the nonsense english on asian stationary and T-shirts sold a night market near you. The food arrives and silence falls over the table as we stuff our faces with endless servings of bite-sized goodness.

As we leave the dumps joint, the staff wave to us, and the guys give them playful high fives. Agreeing to meet up later in the evening to check out a nearby jazz club, I see my bus coming. Since it was still pouring, I quickly wrap up the conversation and run for it, jumping in puddles and dirtying my white capri pants. I watch in disappointment as the bus pulls away..*sigh*... I missed it. Looking back across the street, I can see the guys laughing and pretending to pout. "Those jerks are gonna get it tomorrow," I think to myself a little embarrassed. I shake my fist at them and grimace playfully. I thought about the silly sight and couldn’t help but smile to myself.

I wait at the bus stop along with other strangers, all of whom have places to go and people to see. I, on the other hand, am fully content for the first time in a long time. With friends, with faith, with singleness and with who I am. How did I find myself here in Taipei? And what awaits me here? Just then, a guy in a fitted yellow Quiksilver shirt and jeans comes up and stands beside me. His hair is funky...sort of like a tri-hawk. It was clear to me that he was not a local. I steal glances at him timidly from underneath my umbrella. He shields his piercing eyes with one hand, and looking slightly concerned, he peers up into the sky wondering what the day had in store for him. I feel shy, but his presence is overpowering.

I take a deep breath. Without a word, I lift my umbrella, take a step closer to him and hold it over the both of us. My face became flushed and I didn’t even know why, but I manage a timid smile and catch his eyes for just a second before the tension is too much for me and I look away.

He is surprised by my gesture, but smiles. Leaning forward, he re-engages me. “ 你好。謝謝你0,小姐!” (Hi. Thank you, miss.) he says slightly bowing his head , “我忘了帶雨傘” (I forgot my umbrella today). His laughter is boyishly charming. “不會” (don’t mention it), I replied politely, containing my nervousness.

As we search our minds for something appropriate to say, neither of us can think of something we’re capable of saying in Chinese. At a loss for words, we both apologize for the sub-par Chinese and explain that we’re students at NTNU.

Here to learn about his roots, Andreas grew up in Austria. He flirtatiously shows off his German, French and English… his rare accent is endearing, and I was impressed. And though we can converse in English or French, for some strange reason, we choose broken Chinese.

The 74 approaches and I turn to flag it down. As the bus pulls over, he steps forward, and then backs up “oh! you first”, he says. Collapsing my umbrella, I lower my head at him and boarded the awaiting vehicle.

As if fate were watching her plan unfold, we both get off at the same stop. I open my umbrella and instinctively, he reaches for it and brushes my small wrist. I feel my heart jump at the unexpected touch. The rain has gotten heavier now, but our steps are light and quick. As we run through the rain, we gravitate toward the center of the umbrella. I can feel his bare arm against my skin and it’s smooth, warm. In his embrace, I feel my nervousness melt away.

Alas, we arrive at a fork where we must part. He shields his eyes and looks up into the sky with that same expression on his face, sizing up what awaited him after me. With a certain masculine tenderness, he smiles at me, eyes like two early moons. Then off he went, out of the shelter of my umbrella and into the rain.

Blessing in Disguise

2007-01-06T21:01:00.000-08:00

The sun had yet to rise and I was packing some things for my day trip to Seattle when my phone rang. It was my friend telling me that the same slush that caused BC Place to cave in the day before had frozen over during the night and that her car was stuck. I waited for the sun to come up... the roads were still frozen, so I decided to bus it to her place. The busses didn't run up the mountain cuz of the conditions, so I trekked one hour up the hill and to my friend's place. My walk was peaceful. The sun had finally turned it's face to melt the hardened earth as if to forgive it's offense and it put me at ease. A song on my mp3 reminded me that God is and always will be more than enough for me; no matter the challenges that lie ahead, no matter how difficult they may be, I will be alright. I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend at a party last night. He told me that trusting God meant saying yes to what He asks of you. I've heard that before, but while I understood it in a theoretical sense, I didn't understand it in an experiential way. At that moment, an idea came to my mind out of no where: take my 2 friends, go buy some food, and head to the downtown east side. This sparked my adventurous spirit and I became excited about having been impeded from heading to Seattle.

After a whole hour of uphill trekking in the frozen slush to get to my friend's place, I really didn't want to waste more time going back down. Busses weren't running up there either. So I thought, ok, let's make this interesting and hitch a ride. Never did it before, but what the hey.... so I stood outside this gas station and approached this guy who was riding alone. Nice guy, he dropped us off, and there we were, just a block from our destination.

So we pick up the third friend at her place, and I tell them my idea. Despite a bad start, they both became excited about how this day was now going to unfold. After lunch, we picked up some croissants, apples, Cokes and chocolates and headed for the inner city. Though we had all lived in Vancouver for most or all of our lives, we had never/seldom walked these streets due to their notority for homeless occupants, crimes, drugs, and prostitution. Together, we entered this part of town and just approached strangers with buggies, in trash bins, any one we felt drawn to. It felt strange breaking the social class barrier, but it lead to pleasant surprises for both sides. People also came to us on their own, and when one did, more and more would come. Within an hour, all that we brought had been given away. All we had then where a some empty grocery bags and full hearts. Feeling deeply moved through what we had experienced today, we high-fived each other, all knowing how much more precious today became because our plans had been changed.

2007-01-06T01:59:00.000-08:00

我一生人都是follow 我的心。如到群難的時候﹐ 我只需要perservere, 夢想就會實
現。

有人說頭腦的想發跟心的帶領是兩條路。一個人不可以兩邊走。我們每個都需
要作一個選哲。哪一條路會帶來幸福呢﹖ 哪一條路會帶來痛苦呢﹖ 我很保健兩條
路都會讓走路的人吃到甜酸苦辣。其實尋找真幸福需要很大的risk。萬一失敗﹐尋
找幸福的故事可以變成一首悲哀的歌。可是﹐ 安全的路也可不可以讓我們感覺到
一樣的幸福呢﹖

New year = new look!

2007-01-03T22:43:00.000-08:00

So finally, after a long debate and even taking votes via MSN, I've cut my hair. What better time to get a fresh new look, hm?

Here's a reference as to how long my hair was in the middle of summer. By December, it was down to my lower back. Beautiful and flowing, but it's gotta go.

So I asked my mom to cut 6", and she ended up cutting 8-9". I also got it all freshly layered.

FrontBack

It doesn't look as short as it feels for me. If you have a good set of eyes, you might be able to see that I also coloured it.............. *dun, dun, duuuuun*....

PURPLE!

But, but, but... it doesn't look //that// purple all the time. It was just under that light. A more accurate depiction of the colour would be something like

or

or

Anyway, this is how happy I am with it:

This is me heading to work with a big smile on my face =)

Happy 2007!

Holiday Adventures part 1

2006-12-22T00:22:00.000-08:00

Dec 21 - Camille reminisces of Taiwan

Today was so great. I woke up to the sound of my phone - it was, Laura, a friend I met at NTNU in Taipei. We met up for lunch and had such a great catch up time. Being with her reminded me so much of the good times at school, on our trips, our mutual friends, and just hanging out around the city. She was so kind to remind of the time we had spicy hot pot and I had something so spicy it literally made me cry =P hahahah it was hilarous. Actually, it was more than a reminder of the past. As some of you know, I went to Taiwan alone and came back alone. Returning to Vancouver was like a 100% cut off and it was so, devastatingly hard on me. So seeing Laura today was like "oh wow... Taiwan wasn't a dream after all.... here's a friend who was right there with me and doesn't just conceptually understand, she was a part of my reality over there!"

The sky was gloomy and the rain was falling, but I couldn't have felt better. So after I walked Laura to work, I decided to visit Chinatown - a place I haven't gone since chinese supermarkets - on the way home to see if I could find a few things I've been looking for.

1) Osmanthus green tea
2) Stones for chop engraving

When I was at NTNU, other than Mandarin, I took two culture classes. One was "The Art of Chinese Tea" and the other was "Chop Engraving".

I stopped in at a humble chinese arts and crafts store and chatted up one of the storekeepers, Daniel. He sort of assumed that I couldn't speak or understand chinese and didn't know how to engrave chops ("chop" is such a weird name... I think of "I clubbed him the guy in the chops", or "pork chops", or "lambchops"... actually, a chop is a stone stamp. Traditionally, and even today in Asia, people use this as their signature.) Anyway, so the shopkeeper and I end up talking for an hour and he's giving me tips on technique, different grades of stones, the lowdown on his favourite artists, helpful resources...etc. By the end, I by 4 stones from him, hand picked by me of course, and an ink pad. He then throws in another stone for me for free. hahah Ok, so now I'm gonna be a loyal customer. He then keeps talking.....

Finally, I'm on my way, strolling the streets of Chinatown. There are some strange characters in Chinatown.... I guess cuz it's situated right next to the slums of Vancouver, but I wasn't afraid like I was when I was younger. I go into a couple herbal shops hoping to find this Osmanthus tea. No avail. Finally, I find an actual tea shop - Tien Ren. I decided to make this interesting and make my inquiries and purchase in mandarin. They knew exactly what I was looking for and actually had it! surprise, surprise. The reason I like Osmanthus green tea so much is because it has this light fruity scent to it. The body of the tea overall is fresh and the after taste is sweet. I'm especially attached to it because I did my tea ceremony presentation for my tea class using this tea =)

Overall, I went in many stores, and asked about various things I didn't know a lot about. Today's been a full day of discovery. I feel great - using my mandarin, becoming acquainted with people I least expect to have something in common with, meeting up with a friend who shares the experience no one else in Vancouver shares with me, finding tangible parts of my life in Taiwan.... ^_^

To top it off, I got all the groceries I needed for the potluck at Zo's tomo night, AND wrapped half of my gifts. Check out this hexagonish triagle:

Now check out how many times I had to adjuste the wrapping paper before I could actually wrap this thing:

Dec 20 - Dinner and Gingerbread Fun

The materials
The foundation

The players

The work in progress

The finished product

Dec 14 - The Shabusen Feast

Don't hate me cuz I'm fobby....I had to do it... I had to strike the "peace" pose cuz I wanted to know if it would feel weird and out of character now that I've done it a thousand times in Taiwan. Yeah, it felt weird to do it here. More thoughts on that another time.

How about another order of BBQ beef.... anyone?

We sure know how to put it away

The Space Between

2006-12-20T02:53:00.000-08:00

So often, we look at things and people on the surface and take them at face value. But, on the other hand, the socially adept would emphasize on "the space between" - "read between the lines", "just between you and I", "that's between them", " between now and then"...

We seem to infer so much meaning, instill so much hope, and live so much of our lives in these spaces between time, people and messages.

This semester, my Talk and Social Interaction psyc class, was built on two principles: subjectivity and intersubjectivity - how we create and maintain them.

When something is subjective, we mean to say that its meaning varies from person to person. So in other words, subjectivity is everyone's own reality. Webster's New Millenium dictionary defines intersubjectivity as the realize that exists or occurs between concious minds. So essentially, intersubjectivity is when two or more people bridge their own realities to build a new reality together - in the space between them.

Seems simple enough of a concept, but don't take it at face value. There's much more to that than meets the eye.

When someone becomes a christian, we say that they have accepted Jesus into their hearts and that God lives within them. A couple months ago, someone said to me:

"God isn't found within people, He lives in the spaces between them"

That right there sums up Jesus' entire ministry - compassion through relationship.

Amazing how a small shift in perspective can affect our realities - our own and the ones we build together.

"Almost there" is the longest stage of the game

2006-12-11T15:04:00.000-08:00

I have a 10 page paper due today... it doesn't matter what time it's submitted, just sometime today, through email, to the prof.

Ok, it's 3:05pm and I have an outline... agh.

Why can't I just get this over with instead of drawing out my semester literally to the last minute. =(

Inspiration: Perspectives on Growing up and Discovering Myself

2006-11-22T23:41:00.000-08:00

This year, more than ever before, I have spent copious amounts of time thinking about myself.

I have always been shy, often living in the shadow of others, while inside me, lay a gem - hidden. I was afraid to let it shine, drawing attention to myself.

As early as the first week into 2006, I was met with notions of being more in tune with myself. One of my courses at the time, was Human Relations in Business. We spent a lot of time reflecting on ourselves and getting to know our classmates. One day, my professor, Rebecca, asked me stay after class because she had to talk to me. It certainly was unexpected. Little did I know that what she was about to say was going to set this change journey into motion.

She said,
"Camille, you are beautiful and brilliant. I know from my personal interactions with you. But why doesn't this person shine through during class discussions? Keeping yourself from the class hinders us all from what you have to contribute. That's not fair."

I was absolutely speechless. Her words pierced me like a sword. And so began my coming out of the shell. Theoretically, most of us believe that we have something of value to offer the world around us, but how many of our hearts feel truly and deeply convicted that if we weren’t around, the world would miss out on something magnificent?

Over the semester, I ventured to share more of myself, allowing people to get closer to me – sharing about my childhood, my beliefs, my hopes, my dreams and my fears.

Around that time, I started running 40-60 min. every day or two. I was determined to live a healthier lifestyle and lose some weight – an issue that has caused me so much agony for as long as I can remember. Many, including my family, didn’t believe I could do it. I remember my own parents joking about how I would never be able to do this. Four months later, I was 20 lbs happier and a sexy bitch. The nonbelievers now ask me how I did it and if I can teach them to do the same.

Dissatisfied with status quo and aching for a change, I left my job, changed my academic plans, postponing graduation and left to learn Chinese in Taiwan. When I arrived, I didn’t know the language well, and I didn’t know a soul. But to me, the obstacles seemed trivial and I trusted myself on this. It was worth every minute, every penny, every adversity.

In the second week there, I was faced with the opportunity to meet David Tao. Some didn’t believe I would ever meet him in my lifetime, some thought I was crazy to even try. I lined up alone and made friends in the line up – with others who believed. When I said to David, “It’s so great to finally meet you!” and we shook hands, I knew it wasn’t a stretch to believe in the first place.

In so many instances, I have learned to trust myself above all people. In the end, I am the one who reaps what I sow. In everything from my dream to be in the music industry, to my realizing my online love, I have been called naïve, impulsive, and in many subtle ways, looked down upon.

Many of my friends and family, though wishing nothing but the best for me, have discouraged my unconventional aspirations in lieu of a mediocre life; encouraging me to live a life on the safe side.

My collectivistic self, characteristic of someone from an asian heritage, has too often listened to the naysayers. After coming back from Taiwan, I just can’t live like this anymore. I guess I can, but I’m just not happy to settle for it.

If you stay in the boat, you might have a smooth sail, but you’ll never walk on water.

This quarter’s Psychology Today magazine featured an article called “You 2.0 – Reinventing Yourself”. One section stuck out to me for obvious reasons. It read, “the pressure to stay within others’ perceptions of you could pen you in more than the fear of failure….it creates a rigidity that keeps you from moving forward.” This is where I feel I am right now and it accounts for the growing dissatisfaction I have felt since coming back to Vancouver. After all, one of the major reasons I left for Taiwan to begin with was to see who I could be when I was no longer bound by the expectations that others have of me, Camille, who is always shy, reserved, funny, polite, responsible, blends into the background… Never adventurous, sexy, bold, outstanding…

I do have these components, I’m just so afraid of exploring, and failing publically, then hearing “I told you so.” I’m learning to not let what others say get to me so much. I’m learning to trust myself. I’m learning to be gentle with those who don’t believe in my dreams and potential. The reality is, I’m not only saddened for myself when I come across skepticism, I’m saddened for the one it comes from because he/she is bound by their own mind.

There’s a popular saying that goes, “Some things have to be seen to be believed.”

But the path less taken resounds of things that had to believed in to be seen.

Looking over my life, I have always been different in every way. The only thing is, I wanted to fit in so badly. I never wanted to be alone - even if that meant to be great. This whole year has been an unearthing of this gem - I had almost forgotten it's colour. I was never meant to fit in, or be mediocro, or be like everyone else.

Thanks 2006, it's been one crazy ride. 2007 means for me a new start, a new me.

Lamest entry ever

2006-11-17T18:24:00.000-08:00

I've been making sporadic phone calls all day.... totalling 19 phone calls. Two peoople answered. One was on lunch break, the other was busy doing a bunch of stuff.

Friday night and again, I'm at home. This is so lame.

I can't do this anymore. I dunno what it is about being here but I just hate it. I hate to be a complainer, but a life of superficial relationships is just not worth living. I feel so idle. Waiting for something better to coming along, but alas, the sun sets and I am still waiting. Day after day after day. It has been 3 months. I search, but I have yet to find.

I really regret making so many friends over the years. Now, I'm just surrounded by acquiantances, and a friend is nowhere to be found. Another what's-her-face in a sea of strangers. The people who used to be friends are now too busy...with their bfs, their gfs, school, work.... what else? and so life goes. Another day passes and the morning after, I wonder why I need to get up and do it all again. I really wish I just made a few good friends. Friends who were involved in each other's lives. Now, reading your friends's MSN tag lines and reading their blog is considered staying involved. Now, I phone some of the 200-something people in my phonebook and still feeling alone.

It's like that movie Crash, "It's the sense of touch. ...nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."

I gotta get outta here before I go insane.

I finally gathered the courage

2006-11-15T15:14:00.000-08:00

"Can I help you?" said the lady behind the counter as if she had said this line a million times. "Hi, is Jason in?" I reply, unable to contain my hope. "I think he's in a meeting, but I'll check for ya." Moments later, she returns, "He'll be right out." My face lights up and I can feel the butterflies start to flutter in my tummy. "Better start thinking of what to say," I tell myself, simultaneously doing a quick mental check of how I look.

"Hi!" ....And there it was - his gentle voice. My heart skips a beat and I smile even before I see him. I catch his face light up as I turn around. As his formal demeanor quickly relaxes, his tone changes and his smile is warm. I melt.

Even after much deliberation, my well rehearsed cover up reason to see him still comes out in jumbled, disorganized units of mess. I can feel blood rush into my face, giving it a pink hue and revealing my nervousness.

"How about we step into my office," he says, "and I can get caught up on your situation?". He seems to detect my jitters. Compassionately, his eyes smile from behind his glasses and I can only smile back and nod.

***********

So that was how it started. His office, which is really a cubicle, is covered with photographs of BMWs, motorcycles, various scenic photos of beautiful travel spots, one of which i recognized to be HK, and one photo of a couple of his buddies and himself playing guitar. On his desk, are other motocycle paraphernalia, and a classic white iPod. It was nice to see more of the personal side of him.

Besides discussing the issue I originally brought up, we joked and laughed and he told me that he is studying right now as well. He did his undergrad in communications and is currently doing a bridging program that will prepare for obtaining his an MBA. All the while, he works full time at SFU. He casually asks me about various business courses and that gave us a lot to talk about.

At one point, I realized that he had moved my tea mug when we were working off his laptop and admittedly, it crossed my mind to strategically leave it behind, giving me another reason to go back for something not related to exchange. However, it feels to me that we have talked enough to feel comfortable having an informal conversation outside of the formal relationship established by my being a former exchange student and him being an staff member at the exchange office. In fact, most of our conversations have only stemmed from exchange, but never revolved around it.

Time sure flew by. 45 minute later, we said an extended goodbye, and as I picked up my bag and coat, I once again thought about leaving the mug behind, but when I thought about leaving him with something that will get nasty in a couple days, I decided to ask him for it and take it with me.

I think it's safe to say that the ice is clearly broken. We have a few big things in common so far. What is my next step? ... time's a tickin'.... This semester will be over before we know it.

As you may be thinking by now, I practically floated on a cloud for the rest of the day =P

Let it stop

2006-10-27T00:36:00.000-07:00

Wow...... just when I thought the day couldn't get any worse, it reopens the biggest wound I have and takes a straight-down nose dive.

The worst day ever, everyone, the worst day ever.

In the pursuit of balls, here are some things to think about

2006-10-18T17:51:00.001-07:00

I have a rant. A long one.

I'm sick and tired of whimpy guys complaining that they got it tough cuz they have to ask the girls out; how it takes them so much courage and the girls just sit back and choose, never subjecting themselves to vulnerability like them.

Here's my advice to you guys: GET SOME FREAKIN' BALLS!

And in your pursuit of balls, think about this:

In the world of dating, there is a popular belief/saying that goes something like:

"If he's not asking you out, he's just not that into you"

Implications:

1) Girls are there for guys to pick and choose from. She has no desires of her own.

2) If not asked, the default message is that a girl is simply not desirable enough for this guy.

3) A girl can only choose from the guys who ask.

4) It's bad, or desperate, or too forward for a girl to ask a guy out.

Let me break it down:

Girls are there for guys to pick and choose from. She has no desires of her own.

The underlying message behind this statement communicates that guys are the ones who do the chosing. Girls are to be chosen. On a deeper level, it's saying that girls have no desires of their own. All that matters is whether or not the guy wants her. What she wants (or doesn't want) is irrelevant. Her voice is dismissed as insignificant. How naive and chauvinistic is that?

If not asked, the default message is that a girl is simply not desirable enough for this guy.

This implies that worth is given to girls. Her worth is determined by a guy. He can ask her out when he's not too emotionally invested, simply interested. If a guy asks a girl and he gets shut down, he loses hope. To guys, this is the end of the story. What they don't realize is that they can regain hope by simply finding a new target. He can have hope because he has the power to make things happen. He has control over this situation.

On the other hand, a girl's hope is that the guy would ask her. She herself can't directly do something about the situation. If she wants to change the situation, she must orchestrate a complicated hinting process and wait for him to decide if she's worth his time. By that time, she's most definetely, deeply, emotionally invested. She has shown him the best of herself, hoping that he would be impressed enough to pursue her. If he's not inpressed, that is a wholisti rejection of the best that she has to offer and she is utterly devastated.

A girl can only choose from the guys who ask

So guys thing that girls have so much choice, eh? Well, apparently not. Here, she takes what she can get.

It's bad, or desperate, or too forward for a girl to ask a guy out.

Self explanatory.

Clearly, I think all of the above are unreasonable and sexist. Not that I'm a raging feminist who thinks that guys should wait around for girls to ask them out. All I'm saying is that guys don't know how easy they have it. Am I having a pity party? Just a little.

I'm confident. I'm intelligent. I'm beautiful. I'm talented. I'm passionate. I have potential. And it has taken me a long time to get to this point in self esteem. What I want is for a man to pursue me confidently. I do not believe that just because he doesn't ask me out, that he's not into me. Maybe he's not into me, but there could also be a variety of other reasons. As noted above, the scariest thing for a guy to do is to have his ego and pride be vulnerable. If he doesn't as me, the next best thing for me to do is to ask //him// . Trust me, the next best thing is FAR behind the best thing.

What I DO NOT want to do, is orchestrate mind games where I hint to him that I want him but play hard to get so the chase is stimulating for him; I DO NOT want to have to prove my worth to him. Because whether he acknowledges my worth or not, I am still a darn good catch.

The most disturbing part of all this is that girls buy into the mentality behind "if he's not asking you out, he's just not that into you". Well, maybe if you're not asking him, you really don't want him that much, and you're just taking what you can get. Don't subject yourself to recipes for failure and disappointment.

Guys - I hope you learn to have a greater appreciation for girls

Girls - I hope you don't wait for your worth to be defined

Everybody - Stop playing silly mind games

Blogspot - Post it. Post it good.

Camille - Go to sleep.

^_^

2006-10-11T14:29:00.000-07:00

About a week ago, I received notification of SFU International's photo contest. Now, I have never claimed to be a photographer, or even to have taken it up as a casual hobby. But, I had some pretty awesome pictures of Taiwan, and a lot of time on my hands. So, I thought I'd give it a shot.

A long story short - there were resolution complications with 2 of my submissions and I had to work it out with the guy looking over this competition. I found his emails (it was completely via e-mail) fun and light-hearted, considering that this was a work context for him.

Now, I had volunteered to represent National Taiwan Normal University (or even just Taiwan in general) for the International Opportunities Fair a couple weeks ago. And there, I met him in person - the photo competition dude. A medium build asian guy in his late twenties, sporting a sophistocated pinstrip dress shirt, classic black dress pants and light, no-frame glasses. He was doing logistics at the IOF and I was to sign in with him.

* * *

After much debate, I finally decided to proceed with getting credit for the Chinese language and culture classes I had taken at NTNU. Lo and behold, the same guy was the contact person for this as well.

This morning, as I was getting ready, I found myself paying special attention to doing my hair and make up just perfectly. I even changed my outfit just as I was leaving the house, deciding it wasn't as flattering as I wanted it to be. Of course, I knew I was going to exchange office after class today to discuss my credit transfer.

The receptionist phoned his office for me while I sat and waited in the main lobby. "How shall I sit?", I thought to myself. "Is my hair alright?". I felt blood rush into my face, giving it a pink hue. In effort to disguise my preoccupation with my appearance, I searched my bag for the documents I needed to talk to him about. The 1 minute wait seemed like an eternity.

"Hi, Camille?", I heard a soft voice in front of me. "You wanted to see me?". I looked up from my books and there he was, just as stylish as last time. He was bent slightly forward, head tilted to the side, in an obvious attempt to engage me, who was slightly caught off-guard. I managed a small smile, "Um...yeah!", I said, "just needed to talk to you about transfering my credits over from NTNU".

As it turns out, he was also very interested in learning Chinese and had spent some time in Beijing doing a similar program. We shared about our experiences, struggles and strategies with learning Chinese as Vancouver-born Chinese people. He even asked to see my books and commented on how awesome it was that I could read the random pages he flipped to. By the end of our conversation, I was completely at ease.

I smiled all the way home from school, and in fact, I'm still smiling right now.

Things get better with Thanksgiving weekend

2006-10-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

Since I've been back from Taiwan, I've been having a hard time adjusting back to life here. 2006 has been a year of UN-learning, and leaving for Taiwan marked the beginning of a new period for me. Ironically, in unlearning many old ways, I've come to learn a lot of new things about myself. My mind is renewing. My understanding of my faith is deepening, but not without unlearning some empty traditions that I once held so dear. My understanding of family is growing, but not without relying on them for support out of weakness. My understanding of friendship is maturing, but not without the messiness of letting go of those with whom I have since grown distant from.

Since being back, I've felt really alone. Spent countless hours in my house with my dogs mourning over the life I left behind in Taiwan. For a few weeks, I found no motivation to get out of bed each morning and found no interest in school - the one thing that was still constant in my life. Suddenly, I felt really small in Vancouver, just a tiny part of the lives of those I know, sometimes, to the point of non existence. Everyone is too busy, with school, with work, with boyfriends, with other friends... Very disconnected - socially, emotionally, spiritually.

Things are getting better slowly. This Thanksgiving weekend has really made me think about what I have to be thankful for here in Vancouver, rather than what I left behind in Taiwan. =)

Last week, my friend Wayne invited me to go to Victoria for a couple days with him and his friend and watch them run a marathon there. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go because of family things, seeing as this is Thanksgiving weekend and the Chinese Mid-Autumn Festival holiday. A couple days later, he asked me to go to the Vancouver International Film Festival with him to see a taiwanese film. So on Friday, we met up, had coffee, saw the film, and had lunch. I had a really good time =) I don't hang out with him very much, but I really enjoy his company when we do.

Later that night, I had Thanksgiving dinner at a different friend, Mike's, place. There, I hung out with some friends and met some new people as well. We played Karaoke Revolution as usual, and I owned Mike as usual. hahaha... that was such a fun night.

Other than that, there have been dinners with the both sides of the family. Both have been great. Yesterday night, my friend Gabe came over and we (along with my brother Carl) played Super Mario Brothers until we beat the entire game. It was fun to bring back the old school 2-D games. It took a long time, but we were determined little buggas.

In between, I cleaned the house, washed the cars, ran some errands, had some good long talks with some good friends and some with new friends.

Overall, a fantastic weekend - the best I've felt in a while.

Internet Beef No. 1

2006-10-03T10:28:00.001-07:00

A beef of mine:

People who start talking to you and then contribute nothing to keeping the conversation going.

Here is an example of MSN conversations that happen more often than they should:

Borefest: Hi

Me: hey there

Borefest: how's it going?

Me: good good, just got home from school a long day of school and checking emails now.

Borefest: oh

Me: So how are u? What did you do today?

Borefest: good. nth much.

Me: (thinking "uhhhh.....alright...) *says nothing and closes text box*

**elapsed time**

Borefest: What are you doing now?

Me: still checking emails. Sometimes, they pile up =P I get so much crap mail from school.

Borefest: oh

Me: *says nothing and closes box*

**elapsed time**

Borefest: ((nudge))

Borefest: ((nudge))

Borefest: So are you busy or something? You reply so slow =(

Borefest: ((nudge))

...what the heck is up with that?

First post - Fun prevails

2006-10-01T01:36:00.000-07:00

Fun, fun and more fun.

Ever since I went to Taiwan this summer, I've been addicted to having fun.

Here is a pic of me, and Claire sandwiching a plastic miner in the caves of Jiufen, Taiwan.
We saw this pic and immediatly thought of the same thing - see no evil, hear no evil, say no evil.